More on Mountain Lions

First of all, let me tell you that I've decided to capitalize Mountain Lions from now on, just to emphasize their importance in my everyday life.  Much like God (who also capitalizes His name), They are an almighty force. . . one which should be feared and respected.  But mostly just feared.  So on to my story:

Strange things have been happening lately. It all started with some spam I received from a wildlife foundation asking me to donate to “save the big cats.” I, of course, found this hilarious and posted something on Facebook to the tune of, “Clearly these people do not know me.”

...And that's when the second round of emails came flooding in. Daily newsletters on protecting the mountain lions of North America, people thanking me for my passion in regards to preserving nature. What. The. Hell. ???

Earlier this week, it all made sense. I received a rather large envelope from savetheworld.org or whatever the hell this foundation is, and I open it to find that a donation had been made in my name to help protect Mountain Lions. In fact, I got a picture of my very own cougar. The one which I have, apparently, sponsored. He lives in Florida and, since “I” (aka: Jude and Chrissie) paid to help protect him, I've decided to name him Godsmistake. One word. Because that's what all cats are.

So, thanks to my asshole sister and her fiance, somewhere out there, a mountain lion is a little bit safer because of me. God damn it. 

Now, I know I promised you all a picture explaining the whole Top of the Food Chain thing, and here it is:

Once upon a time, someone called me an asshole nature-hater for my views on Mountain Lion hunting.  I am a firm believer in hunting these vicious creatures into extinction.  Or, as an alternative, moving them all to Canada.  And my explanation was simple: TOP OF THE FOOD CHAIN.  Lion eats man.  Period.  And of course, I got some hippy response about us encroaching on their territory and blab blah blah.  So to try and edge myself back into the good graces of these animal lovers, I explained that it has nothing to do with animals in general, just the dangerous ones. So I asked, if they velociraptors were still roaming around, would you not be all for getting rid of them?  Because fuck running into a velociraptor.  You just have no chance. Anyway, none of it went over well, and suffice it to say that I offended more than one person.  Which, you know, I'm pretty much used to at this point.

So. . . As you can clearly see in my diagram, velociraptors and Mountain Lions are a threat to man.  You can tell because there are half-eaten humans right next to both of them.  And if that's not a logically sound argument, then I don't know what is.  

Good night.  And if you live in the hills of California, good luck.