Things I Love about Cleveland
In an effort to try and minimize the soul-sucking despair I feel every time I look out my window and realize that, yes, this is home, I've compiled a list of the things that don't totally suck about Cleveland, Ohio.
So let's just jump right into numero uno: There are no mountain lions here. Seems like I'm reaching, huh? In fact, this is one of the best reasons I can think of to move to North Eastern Ohio – provided, of course, that you don't already live in a nicer, mountain lion-less part of our fair country. So basically, this just includes the deep South and Michigan. But back to my point... Mountain lions. They will eat the fuck out of you. I understand that human fatalities as a result of cougar attacks are insanely low, but still. Why take the chance? My sister, who lives in Berkeley, CA, used to make fun of me all the time. I had no problem roaming around East Oakland, but if we were anywhere near the hills, I didn't get out of the car. Here's my logic, flawed as it may be: There's always a chance that you can reason with a crackhead. But there's no reasoning with a hungry lion. That's just the way it is.
Which brings us to reason number 2 that Cleveland doesn't totally suck: Lack of sunshine. Now, you may be thinking, wait a minute! This is not a positive! And you're right – it's not. But take me, for example. Not only am I allergic to the sun, but my eyes are extremely sensitive to the light. This means less money spent on sunglasses and umbrellas. So I'm saving at least $50 a year. Of course, once you factor in the lack of jobs, and the low wages, then this is not really a positive at all. But I'm trying here...
Reason #3: It's not Detroit. Simply and unarguably a valid point. I don't think anything else needs to be said here. (In my defense, I'd made this argument way before the brilliant “Hastily made Cleveland tourism video” came out. Ask any Clevelander... “At least we're not Detroit” has been our only retort to “Cleveland sucks” for... well, forever.
Reason #4: Since our Browns, Indians, and Cavaliers have collectively not won a damn thing in over half a century, our tickets to sporting events are more affordable than anywhere outside of Baghdad. For a mere $75, you rock it courtside like Jay-Z. Of course, the rate of broken TVs, burst blood vessels, and sports-related depression are among the highest in the country. But no worries – we have groups for that. They meet regularly at the local sports bars, and can be found drunkenly muttering something about “next year...” But once again, here's where you can factor in that "At least we're not Detroit" logic. It could be worse, guys. We could be Lions fans. How much would that suck? Interesting side note: My cousin's husband is a Lions fan from NE Ohio, and I will never, ever understand it. I can understand growing up realizing that the Browns suck, and walking away from that heartache at an early age. BUT... the Lions? You pick the only team worse than the Browns to root for? There are like, 30 other teams you could have picked that will definitely do better than the Browns on any given year, but you pick the only franchise that is legitimately never, ever good. It boggles the mind. Maybe he just likes the way he looks in baby blue. It's the only explanation that makes sense to me.
Reason #5: In a recent story entitled “The United States of Shame,” Ohio actually received one of the least offensive titles: Nerdiest. This was based on the fact Ohio has the highest number of library book check outs per person. Of course, this could be for a plethora of reason other than the idea that we just like to learn. In fact, I suspect that this has more to do with that fact that people here can't afford to buy books than it does with our nerdiness. But even if that translates to “poorest,” I'll take it considering some of the other titles were Highest Rate of Women Brutally Murdered, Arson Deaths and Most Beastiality offences. Poorest? SOLD!
Reason #6: Speaking of sports... We may have some of the worst sports teams in recent history (as I write this, the Cavs are in the middle of a record-breaking 25 losses in a row), but that doesn't stop our fans. The dawg pound still shows up every Sunday, despite the sub-zero temperatures and presumably losing record. Our Indians fans still pour into Progressive Parkway, and our Cavaliers fans want it even more since our local homewrecker traded our loyalty for a romp in the sand with Beach Skank Barbie. That's right Heat fans. I just compared your team to women of loose morals. Can't wait to see you guys lose to the Celtics! (Side note: Since the ill-advised Perkins trade, I'm not so sure the Celtics are going to the Finals anymore. What the hell where they thinking?? Somebody better step up and beat Miami, and I'm not confidant that Chicago is experienced enough to do it.)
Reason number 7: Sweetest Day! For those of you who live outside Ohio, Indiana, and Western Pennsylvania, Sweetest Day is pretty much just Valentine's Day's retarded half-birthday. And, as you've probably guessed, it started in Cleveland. As though one Valentine's Day isn't bad enough, every third Saturday in October, people celebrate the whole thing all over again. The good news is that if you aren't single and you somehow managed to fuck up Valentine's Day for your significant other, you can always make up for it in October.
Reason number 8: We've got a great music scene. No, really. I don't even have anything snarky to say here. The Pretenders, the Black Keys, Nine Inch Nails, the Raspberries, Dave Grohl, half of Warrant, Maynard from Tool, etc. All from NE Ohio. Apparently, shitty weather and lack of industry breed some pretty stellar music. As Ian Hunter said, "Cleveland Rocks!" Yes sir, it does. Though if you really listen to the lyrics of that song, it's just blatant Clevelander-bashing. But that's why I've made it a point to only memorize the chorus.
Reason number 9: Unfortunately, this black pit of despair is home. Damn you, Cleveland. For all of your flaws, I love you still. And while I may bitch and whine about this place all the time, I'm the first person to proudly say, "I'm from Cleveland!" when I'm far away from home. Mistake on the lake? Oh no you didn't...
No comments:
Post a Comment